Stop Asking “How Was Your Day?”
9 Better Questions That Help You Actually Understand What Your Kids Are Going Through
When my niece was eight, she came home from school and her mom asked,
“How was your day?”
“Fine,” she said, barely making eye contact.
That was it. No details. No emotion.
Later that night, we learned she had been bullied at recess. Not just teased—bullied. A group of girls locked her out of the play area and told her she was “too fat” to fit through the tunnel.
When we asked why she didn’t tell us, she said,
“You asked if it was fine. And I didn’t want to get anyone in trouble.”
That moment changed how we talk to kids in our family.
And we’re not alone.
One of our trusted advisors, Chong Kim, works with children and families around the country. In her trainings, she shares a list of simple but powerful questions that help kids talk—really talk—about their days.
These questions aren’t just about information.
They help kids build emotional language, recognize red flags, and open up in ways a generic “How was your day?” never will.
Here are Chong’s Questions—And Why They Matter
1. “What was your favorite part of the day and why?”
✅ Why it’s better: This question helps a child identify positive feelings, share their values, and tell a story—not just give a fact.
💬 Sample response:
“When Maya let me be the captain in kickball. I felt really proud because usually she only picks her best friends.”
That’s a lot more than “Fine,” right? It tells you about friendships, power dynamics, and how your child feels valued—or not.
2. “What was your least favorite part of the day and why?”
✅ Why it’s better: It gives permission to talk about something uncomfortable. Many kids avoid this unless directly asked in a safe way.
💬 Sample response:
“When Mr. Jeff yelled at me for not turning in my paper, but I did turn it in—I just put it in the wrong bin.”
Now you can talk about fairness, how to speak up, and how that moment made them feel.
3. “Did anyone make you smile? How did they do this?”
✅ Why it’s better: It highlights healthy connections and clues you in on who your child trusts or looks forward to seeing.
💬 Sample response:
“Jake gave me a drawing of a cat with a burrito. It was so silly. He always makes funny stuff for me.”
That gives you insight into emotional bonds, budding friendships, or even possible crushes—and what kind of attention feels good to them.
4. “Did anyone make you sad? How did they do this?”
✅ Why it’s better: Sadness is often buried beneath “fine.” This helps kids name it safely—and tells you where emotional harm might be happening.
💬 Sample response:
“Mia said I couldn’t sit with them at lunch. She said it was only for girls who wear Jojo Siwa shirts.”
This could point to exclusion, bullying, or cliques—things you’d never catch from a report card.
5. “Did anyone make you mad? How did they do this?”
✅ Why it’s better: Anger is a powerful red flag emotion. This question teaches your child it’s OK to talk about being upset—and why it happened.
💬 Sample response:
“James kept kicking my chair even when I asked him to stop. And the teacher just told me to move instead.”
Boom. You’ve now learned about boundaries, a potential power imbalance, and a classroom issue all in one.
6. “What games do you and your friends like to do?”
✅ Why it’s better: Games reveal more than just play—they show how kids interact, share power, and express imagination.
💬 Sample response:
“We play zombie school where one kid is the principal and sends people to detention. But sometimes they make you say weird stuff first.”
Suddenly, you’ve got a chance to explore whether this game is harmless fun—or something that needs a closer look.
7. “Do you ever play house with your friends?”
➡️ (If yes: “How do you play?” If no: “What do you play instead?”)
✅ Why it’s better: “House” games can mimic adult relationships. This is a subtle, non-intrusive way to see what roles kids are imitating—and whether they’re learning them from safe or unsafe sources.
💬 Sample response:
“Yeah, but Ethan always wants to be the dad and says he can spank people if they don’t listen. I don’t like it.”
🚨 That’s a HUGE window into potential behavior that needs unpacking—without scaring or shaming the child.
8. “Do you have older girls or boys you hang out with? What do you guys do? What do you talk about?”
✅ Why it’s better: Older kids can influence younger ones in good or concerning ways. This question opens up dialogue about mentorship—or manipulation.
💬 Sample response:
“There’s a fifth grader who gives me gum if I carry her stuff. She says I’m her helper now.”
That may sound sweet… or it may be grooming. Either way, you’re now aware.
9. “Do you have a favorite teacher and why? How do they make you feel?”
✅ Why it’s better: You find out who your child feels safe with—and who they may avoid. This gives you a peek into their classroom dynamics.
💬 Sample response:
“I like Ms. D because she doesn’t laugh when I get words wrong. Some teachers do that.”
That tells you so much about what helps your child feel supported—and where they might feel ashamed or overlooked.
🚩 Red Flags: Watch Out for This
🚩 One-word answers or vague responses (“Fine,” “I don’t remember”)
🚩 Stories involving secrecy, power games, or body-related play
🚩 Mentions of older kids offering rewards or asking for “help”
🚩 Descriptions of feeling excluded, embarrassed, or punished unfairly
✅ Green Checkmarks: What to Do Instead
✅ Ask open-ended questions about feelings, play, and relationships
✅ Use curiosity, not interrogation
✅ Let them tell the story in their own words
✅ Stay calm and listen without jumping to conclusions
✅ Follow up gently on anything that feels confusing or off
💬 What Questions Do You Have?
If something here resonated with you — or if you have questions — drop them in the comments. We’re building a community of parents, survivors, and educators who care deeply about protecting kids with honesty, not fear.
About Beyond the Red Flags
Billy Joe and Jacqueline Cain are the passionate founders of Radical Empathy Education Foundation. Together, they are on a mission to educate the world about emotional abuse and abuse prevention through immersive experiences like TRAPPED: A VR Detective Story. Their goal is to empower individuals to recognize, prevent, and respond to these issues, saving lives along the way.
If you believe in this mission, you can support their work through Buy me a coffee or a donation to Radical Empathy Education Foundation.
About TRAPPED: A VR Detective Story
TRAPPED: A VR Detective Story provides users with an immersive, interactive experience that tells the story of Lisa, a 14-year-old trafficking victim. Through Lisa’s narrative, participants gain insight into the subtle yet powerful tactics predators use to manipulate and control their victims. This engaging VR experience has already reached over 15,000 participants across 10 states, serving as a critical resource for abuse prevention in schools, shelters, law enforcement, and corporations.
About Radical Empathy Education Foundation
Radical Empathy Education Foundation is a nonprofit organization dedicated to preventing abuse and human trafficking through innovative, immersive VR technology. Their award-winning training tools educate users on the tactics predators use and empower individuals to recognize and avoid abusive situations.
Learn more about Radical Empathy Education Foundation and connect to access their VR training at ArborXR’s XR Directory.
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